Standing here

Oh, this is where pregnancy gets a little crazy.  I get it.

My husband was working in temp law when we started this whole process.  He had a temp law friend that he would sit next to and talk to about things.  This guy was married and had a couple of kids and when Lucas told him that I was pregnant he would say things like, "Your wife is going to get all crazy and emotional.  Good luck with that."

Lucas and I have had discussions about this pregnancy often.  I've asked if he thought I was more, less or about what he expected on the crazy scale.  He's said much less.  Maybe because that guy was all "pregnant women be crazy!"  I have cried a little more often this pregnancy, but usually, it was appropriate crying, movies and tv shows and stuff.

Last night the dam holding the crazy flood broke.  I'm 35 weeks tomorrow.  I don't feel like myself.  I've gained 28 pounds.  At the end of the work week I dream about laying flat, taking pressure off of my feet.  I'm puffy (and the nurses at work love to tell me that I'm puffy).  I think about seeing people I haven't seen in a while and how they will gaze upon my super round face and it gives me pause about whether I should leave the house.

I don't feel like a wife or partner anymore.

That is the strangest one, the one that made me cry like a little baby last night without any warning.  I feel like a baby-growing mother.  Which is good in a way but I don't feel attractive.  I feel like my role has suddenly and swiftly shifted to something I wasn't expecting - what if I'm forever a mother from here on out and I'm never... I don't even know how to explain this.  What if I'm never me again?  What if I'm never Colleen again?  What if I'm never Lucas' wife again?  What if Lucas' view of me has changed so much that he can never again see me the way he did before?

Maybe that's not the worst thing; it may just be a transition into a new stage of life.  I usually embrace change.  I'm excited about birth and motherhood.  But for the first time, standing here and looking over there, I'm truly nervous.

Three to eight more weeks.

I had my 34 week visit yesterday.  The end is in sight.  We're pretty close to being ready, the birth "bag" is packed, food gathered, baby's room is set up (for the most part), infant car seat and extra base installed.  We are ready.  Now, we just have to wait 3-8 more weeks.

32 Weeks

This is me last week at 32 weeks.  My friend Julie can hardly believe I'm going to get bigger.  She's in for a surprise!  

Baby Shower Aftermath

After the most beautiful and touching baby shower on Saturday we returned to the house and it truly looked like a baby store threw up on our lower level.  The yellows and greens, the ribbon, the toys!  The cats were in heaven.

And because I am the way I am, our house is back to normal.  The crib is built and made up, the baby clothes and linens washed, folded, organized and put away.  We have a new pack of stuffed animals that Lucas refers to as the cuddle council.

It's not time for the baby yet, but we surely are ready!

Baby Craze

At our Bradley class last night a couple from the previous class came to discuss their birth.  They brought their week and half old infant.  I guess I understand why everyone is baby crazy because my desire to have my own baby shot through the roof when I saw that little cutie patootie.

I had another dream about my birth last night.  Since we made it through all the genetic tests and I've started to feel the baby move, all my dreams have been super positive.  In this dream I only pushed for 15 minutes (ha!) and I had a baby girl.  The date was also June 1st (which is impossible based on my due date).

Even though I had a girl in my dream I didn't wake up thinking I'm going to have a girl.  I've had dreams where I've had boys too.  A study was done at Johns Hopkins where they asked women if they were having a boy or a girl.  There are all sorts of signs that people use to try to predict the sex: nausea, acne, sex drive and some really hippy-dippy methods.  But the study found that the only thing that was statistically significant were women's dreams and feelings about what the sex was.  They were right 70% of the time!  I personally am not leaning one way or the other.

We practiced pushing positions last night.  Even though I help women push I had never tried to do it myself.  There was a surprising amount of abdominal pressure in some of those positions which makes me incredibly nervous, as my belly is not as big as it is going to get.  The two people in the class that have had babies before did say that at the time of delivery, pushing feels so good that any small discomforts, like abdominal pressure, don't register.  I hope that's true!

30 Weeks.

I took this picture last week at 30 weeks!  You can definitely see the characteristic pregnancy curve in my lower back.  Next weekend is my baby shower and despite all my protestations early in the pregnancy I am really, really excited for it!

Attachment Parenting

A local baby shop hosted some free classes last weekend that Lucas and I attended.  The first was on cloth diapering.  Cloth diapering is not your mother's cloth diapering anymore!  There is a whole industry for this stuff.  I was overwhelmed keeping all the types of diapers straight.  I think Lucas and I finally decided on a good option for us and for people who may take care of our kid for a bit - all in one cloth diapers.

Basically they're just like disposables - there's no need to assemble them - but instead of throwing them away, you throw them in the laundry.

Babywearing was the topic of the second class.  It was especially fun because there were lots of little babies to make eyes at.  People brought in their babies and their carrying equipment to work out any problems they were having with wearing their baby or to learn new carries for their baby - like back carries:

I determined after that class that I was going to be an expert in baby carrying - including back carries.  Back carries are more challenging because it's a little difficult and unwieldy to move a baby onto your back and confidently ensure that baby is snug enough not to fall out.  I was inspired by the women at this class.

A lot of this stuff (breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, cosleeping, one parent staying home) is all a part of what I think of as attachment parenting.  I'm not all the way clear on the specifics of attachment parenting but the general gist of it is that as a parent you are intimately in tune with your child's needs and responsive to them in as nurturing a way as possible.  What's especially interesting to me about attachment parenting is that I was gravitating toward these things anyway when I discovered they were all components of this attachment parenting theory.  Dr. Sears has a little piece on attachment parenting here: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-7-baby-bs.

There are plenty of critics of attachment parenting and a cursory review of the almighty google search for "criticism of attachment parenting" shows that the main concerns are for homeschooling, delayed or no vaccinations, and extending attachment parenting beyond infancy - in essence, creating needy and insecure children.  Lucas and I are all for organized schooling, vaccinations and a separation from our kids once they've made it out of the needy first stage of life.  I don't know exactly when that time will be, however, as I've never been a parent before.  I imagine it will extend at least until the first year, but hopefully not beyond the second.  

I have given a decent amount of thought to having a kid, much beyond wanting to create a life just because or to have another person to love (or to love me).  I've thought about the world and whether it's selfish to bring a child into this one, with the ever impending threats of global warming and overpopulation and depletion of resources.  I've thought about whether I would make a good parent, with my short temper and lack of patience.   I've thought about whether I would even like being a mother, if it will be okay to give up a life I'm used to, one filled with ease and frivolity and excess.  And in the end, the answer is yes.  I do want a child, I want to raise a productive member of society, someone who is interested, who contributes.  I want the best for this kid, as I'm sure most people who choose to have a child do.  There's a part of me that is concerned about how the choices I make now will affect this kid in the future.  I'm sure every parent has fears of making "incorrect" decisions and ending up with a messed up kid.  But the fact that every parent has those fears doesn't necessarily allay mine.