Standing here

Oh, this is where pregnancy gets a little crazy.  I get it.

My husband was working in temp law when we started this whole process.  He had a temp law friend that he would sit next to and talk to about things.  This guy was married and had a couple of kids and when Lucas told him that I was pregnant he would say things like, "Your wife is going to get all crazy and emotional.  Good luck with that."

Lucas and I have had discussions about this pregnancy often.  I've asked if he thought I was more, less or about what he expected on the crazy scale.  He's said much less.  Maybe because that guy was all "pregnant women be crazy!"  I have cried a little more often this pregnancy, but usually, it was appropriate crying, movies and tv shows and stuff.

Last night the dam holding the crazy flood broke.  I'm 35 weeks tomorrow.  I don't feel like myself.  I've gained 28 pounds.  At the end of the work week I dream about laying flat, taking pressure off of my feet.  I'm puffy (and the nurses at work love to tell me that I'm puffy).  I think about seeing people I haven't seen in a while and how they will gaze upon my super round face and it gives me pause about whether I should leave the house.

I don't feel like a wife or partner anymore.

That is the strangest one, the one that made me cry like a little baby last night without any warning.  I feel like a baby-growing mother.  Which is good in a way but I don't feel attractive.  I feel like my role has suddenly and swiftly shifted to something I wasn't expecting - what if I'm forever a mother from here on out and I'm never... I don't even know how to explain this.  What if I'm never me again?  What if I'm never Colleen again?  What if I'm never Lucas' wife again?  What if Lucas' view of me has changed so much that he can never again see me the way he did before?

Maybe that's not the worst thing; it may just be a transition into a new stage of life.  I usually embrace change.  I'm excited about birth and motherhood.  But for the first time, standing here and looking over there, I'm truly nervous.