Today, at Target, Lucas and I were staring at the baby food. We had coupons to use, which meant we had to buy 10 items of one brand and $10 worth of another brand. We hemmed, we hawed. Peaches? Green beans? Yogurt and corn? We finally made our minds up, turned, and saw Miles standing in the seat of the shopping cart. Oh yeah... the baby. We are in so much trouble.
As I'm sure is true for most babies, Miles learns a skill and perfects it rather quickly. Standing is no problem, now. He can stand up against walls, pull himself up on nearly any surface within reach, bounce while standing, hold on with just one hand while standing, and lean down and pick something up with one hand while standing. He even has been practicing letting go and balancing. He's starting to cruise - move around the room while holding on to things with one hand. And just yesterday, he got really interested in stairs and tried to throw himself down them - head first. We are in so much trouble.
My milk supply took a nose dive over the holiday weekend last week. I barely pumped at all and all those ounces in the fridge disappeared quickly. Now, I'm desperately trying to catch up, the guilt of not feeding my child breast milk nipping at my heels. It may be time to stop, as pumping 6-8 times a day feels like a job in itself. But when I think about stopping, I get teary eyed, as so much of how I feel as mother rests on my ability to feed my child. And right now, my milk is not even enough. So to give it up completely feels like a failure, a failure that looms over me, and weighs heavily in my chest. With the extra calories Miles is getting with the formula, he's putting on weight and muscle. He loves to flail during diaper and clothing changes. Lucas has compared diapering Miles to diapering a chimpanzee. I think it would probably be easier to diaper the chimpanzee. We are in so much trouble.
Miles is also getting a little better about eating. But eating is SO messy. And our kid has determined that he will only eat if he's in control of the food. Pureed carrot - oh yeah, that's all over the bib and the high chair, his face and his hands. It's even on his clothes under the bib and all over his sleeves. We are in so much trouble.
Here's our little trouble maker this week:
What's on the TV?
Your clothes are no longer safe!
Nice self portrait, mom.
Miles' first snow.
Snow is really funny.
I will conquer you, foot stool!
(Please note his two teeth).
CHRISTMAS BOOKS!
Maybe Mom will bring me to work in her
new backpack...
Soft blocks... yum!
Me-ri Ku-ri-su-ma-su. Japanese blocks!
Toy truck!
Penguin hat!
Who needs rings? This post tastes delicious.
Little tongue.
I'm caught under this toy! Help! My legs!
Vampires have nothing on me. What? This is
pureed carrot? Man, my rep is destroyed.
I'm currently updating the blog using our neighbor Julie's wifi (and I continued the update with Starbucks wifi and finally finished the update with the Grandparents Carscadden's wifi)! Our modem apparently died and we need to get a new one (which won't happen until tomorrow probably).
The good news: Miles gained 4 ounces in between his weigh-ins. Our goal was 3.5 ounces. So, apparently, the pumping and fortifying with formula plan works. The bad news is that our pediatrician wants us to continue this plan for the next three weeks until his 8 month weigh-in. And it's still really hard to get Miles to take food when he doesn't want it. I'm not looking forward to pumping all day long for the next three weeks.
There's more good news, though. I thought I wasn't making enough milk for Miles. However, he only takes in about 20 ounces a day on average (that's 12 ounces less than our pediatrician thinks he should be having at his age). That means I'm outpacing him by about 4-6 ounces in my milk supply daily. It also means our milk supply in the fridge is growing and growing. I'm currently 38 ounces ahead of him!
We've reinstated two breastfeeds a day: right before bed and in the wee hours of the morning. Lucas has been helping with the middle of the night feeds (10p and 1am) so that I can sleep and pump one of those times. That's been great for me! And, truly, this change is really good. Miles sleeps a whole lot longer now that he's getting more to eat - three to four hours at a time consistently now. It's helping my mental health not to be so sleep deprived all the time.
What is Miles doing with all these extra calories? Pulling up and getting ready to start walking!
Here is our cutest little guy this week:
I wasn't chewing on that string,
what makes you think that?
I'm just lounging around in my pjs.
Out to dinner, eating some food,
wearing a raccoon for a bib.
Good gracious, I'm cute!
You want a smelly sock? I found it here for you.
I'm doing my best to eat!
I can do it on my own!
You want some?
Who's the cutest? Me!
You guys are gabbing over there and here I am
standing up on my own - one handed!
That's right. This one handed standing deserves
a close up!
It's possible that I'm the cutest book reader ever.
For me, the last few days have been the most stressful since Miles was born. I've screamed at the top of my lungs to release tension, I've sobbed like a little baby, I've become teary-eyed at work. Miles still isn't gaining weight appropriately, falling to the 3rd percentile at his 7 month check up earlier this week. Our pediatrician is concerned enough that we need to follow up next week for another weight check up. In addition, big changes have occurred.
For this week only, I can't breastfeed him.
That alone nearly floored me. Breastfeeding is the way I nurture this child, the way I connect to him, the way I get in my intense-baby-closeness time because I'm away from him all day at work. It hurts not to be able to breastfeed him to sleep.
There's a good reason we're not breastfeeding, though. We're trying to quantify how many ounces he takes in during the day. So that means I pump 24/7 this week, we add formula to all our bottles of breast milk and we track how much he's taking in (and also, how much I'm producing).
He's supposed to be taking in 32 ounces plus food. On the first full day of this plan, he took in 23 ounces. I produced 26 ounces. On the second day, he took in 28 ounces and I produced 24. So, at least it looks like (with this small sample size) he's taking in more each day as we push him to drink more from the bottle. But, it might mean that I'm making less, because pumping doesn't send the same happy-baby-cuddly feelings to my brain that breastfeeding does, so my brain releases less hormone that stimulates milk production, and my milk production falls. What a bummer.
I think the most awful, stressful and complicated matter here is that he just doesn't want to eat. Our kid is not interested in food or bottles or breastfeeding. He wants to play and explore and work on standing. He doesn't want to take time out to do any of that feeding stuff. It is the WORST feeling to know that our kid is too small and that we should be making a concerted effort to help him eat more and he just pushes away from us and cries when we try to feed him more. I'm not even talking large quantities here. I'm talking 3-4 ounces every 3-4 hours.
Let's take a step back and get some perspective. This is not cancer. This is not a mental delay or a gross abnormality in his other developmental milestones. This is not a major disease process of any kind. There are far worse things we could have to worry about.
And on that note, Miles is fucking fantastic otherwise. He's gregarious and active, he's sweet and thoughtful, he's silly and wonderful.
And he's learning to stand up:
Here are the pictures of our fucking fantastic boy this week:
So, what do I do with this french toast?
I like eating things without any nutrition.
Like a remote control.
And a stool.
Grocery shopping!
Standing. Or, about to hit his head.
I love you inch worm.
So sweet when asleep.
My little ray of sunshi... uck... I just threw up
in my mouth a little.
Lots of things were done this week. I guess things are always busy leading up to the holidays. Lucas went to the Ravens game last weekend, only to see them lose to the Steelers. I took a test to get re-certified in electronic fetal monitoring, we had a surprise visit from the grandparents Carscadden, the presents were wrapped, the christmas cards were stamped and gifts were mailed, the hairs were cut.
We got in the holiday spirit by attending the lighting of the Washington Monument in Baltimore (the original Washington Monument). We walked down to our old neighborhood and gathered on the commons with thousands of other Baltimoreans, listening to choirs and watching fireworks. It was pretty delightful to see Miles' reaction to his first fireworks.
Miles continues to eat interesting foods and he's perfecting his army crawl. He even stood up on his own today in his pack and play!
Ravens vs Steelers
Yum yum mum mum.
This piece is called "Babe gazes upon feline"
Swinging!
Whoa!
Gimme that present! I saw my name on that one!
Miles' hair is growing! He's a little fuzzball!
Monument lighting
Family portrait: Amazed by fireworks!
You've got a little something on your shoulder.
Family portrait: Miles didn't get the silly face memo.
